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Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
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10:45 pm
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I was supposed to call Lance back after a few days, after we had that little talk a few weeks ago. I never did. I guess I'm kinda avoiding the situation. He hasn't called me either, though. I saw him at his birthday bash, but we didn't say anything to each other. Hell, I've talked to JC more than I've talked to Lance in the last two weeks.
I feel like we broke up, but we didn't actually break up. It's hard to explain. There was no formal "it's over". But it wasn't really anything to begin with? Do you have to end something that never existed? It's confusing.
Bobbie's no help. She just gets into Lance-insult tirades. Which are hilarious for about 10 minutes . . okay, maybe an hour . . . But at least we can commiserate over love-gone-wrong. She lost Chris, I never had Lance. It's rather poetic in a pathetic sort of way.
I should call him.
Guess I'm afraid to hear what he has to say.
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| Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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11:38 pm
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| Monday, February 24th, 2003
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12:03 am
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My life has been all sorts of strange these last few weeks.
It's been something to get used to - having Lance look at me like "girlfriend" instead of "friend". It's really nice, but in some ways it's really, well, strange. I know I said that already, but I can't really wrap my mind around it.
Lance is . . he's a hard person to get to know. He's got walls up, and he hides a lot. If he trusts you, he'll let you in, but there's still a lot he doesn't tell you. I know he trusts me but he's still holding back a huge part of himself. I can feel it. It's there, but he won't let it go.
Last night, he comes in late, and his face is just absolutely unreadable. I asked him what was wrong but he told me nothing was wrong. Spend enough time with him and you can tell when he's lying. And he was lying then. But there's no getting through to him. He kept his distance all night.
And then this morning, getting ready for the Grammys, he seems back to normal. Happy, joking, sweet. But it's still there, whatever was wrong.
I just wish he'd really let me in. It's starting to bother me that he doesn't.
I know I'm not JC. I know I never will be, and I don't want to be a replacement for JC. I don't know. I'm just starting to feel like Lance doesn't really care who he's with right now. . as long as he's with somebody. And somebody just happens to be me.
I don't want to be just "oh, she'll do". I don't deserve that.
current mood:  confused
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| Thursday, January 30th, 2003
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7:27 pm
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It's been a really strange week.
Lance.
I mean. I'd given up. Completely. And then he floors me out of nowhere with that kiss on the plane.
And since then . . it's just been a wonderful whirlwind. Curling up to watch movies. Being able to hold his hand in public. Being his official date to things, and not just his "friend". Making out on the couch. (And he's a amazing kisser, may I add?)
I love feeling like this. It's almost like being with a whole new Lance, a side I never got to see before. Boyfriend Lance. I've seen Business Lance and Movie Star Lance and Big Dork Lance. . but Boyfriend Lance? That one was withheld from me. Until now.
Yet. I don't know. Something's missing. I can't really put my finger on it, but sometimes it feels like Lance just. . isn't all there. I mean he *is*, but it seems like his mind's a million miles away. I'm not sure if he's just preoccupied with something else, or. I don't know. I don't want to say anything bad. I don't want to jinx this.
current mood:  ecstatic
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| Monday, January 20th, 2003
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11:59 pm
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So. Thailand is . . nice.
It's kinda like Orlando. Only more wet.
Lance and Chris are doing a golf tournament here. Actually, correction. Chris is doing a golf tournament here. Lance just comes along for the free swag, the chance to drive a golf cart, and to play with baby elephants.
I pick on him. There's a film festival here he's at. But the part about the elephant was true.
So Chris struts around on the golf course (now that he's won one, he thinks he's Tiger Woods) and Lance and I have been checking out movies that got submitted to the festival. Thank goodness for subtitles, let me tell you.
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| Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
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11:12 pm
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Lance kissed me last night. At midnight.
I know, New Year's Eve, everyone's kissing everyone, but I mean, do you know how long I've dreamed of Lance voluntarily kissing me?
It was . . nice.
Things with him have been very . . nice the last few days. He's sweet, he's flirtatious, he's . . Lance.
And he's not with JC.
For once in my life, I may have finally caught a break.
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| Saturday, December 28th, 2002
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1:37 pm
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There's a party at Joey's place tonight in Orlando. Lance invited me to go at the last minute. I think everyone got their invites at the last minute, so I don't feel weird. Obviously Lance is not planning this party, because if he were, invites would have gone out weeks ago. Anal about details he is.
But it looks to be *NSYNC, and what looks like The Girls of *NSYNC. Bobbie, Britney, Tara, me. We should start a complementary girl group or something.
I have no idea how tonight's gonna go. Last I talked to Lance, things with him and JC were iffy at best, and I know there was tension between Justin and Britney, and something with Chris and Joe, and then Bobbie and Chris.
What's that word that means everything tends to pull towards chaos when left alone? Oh yeah. Entropy. That's what this party feels like.
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| Thursday, December 5th, 2002
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7:49 pm
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Well, I'm trying not to feel too bad for you while I sit here in 87 degree weather and some of you are still trying to dig yourselves out of the snow. It's gorgeous here. Will be perfect golfing weather for Lance and Chris, and great beach weather for me and Bobbie.
And right now we're just lounging outside, enjoying the weather, and the view and ogling hot cabana boys. Lance and Chris are . . off somewhere doing god knows what. And I don't have a care in the world.
Don't you wish you were me?
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| Wednesday, December 4th, 2002
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12:14 am
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Woo! I'm going to Jamaica!
Lance called me the other day and asked if I wanted to tag along and keep him company while he does this charity golf thing with Chris.
And I am not one to turn down a free trip to a tropical island, the beach, and drinks with little umbrellas in them served by hot waiter-type guys.
I ship out tomorrow.
I'm not even thinking about the fact I get to spend some quality alone time with Lance.
I'm not.
Really. I'm over him. I know I was never . . under him, but I'm over him.
Seriously.
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| Friday, October 4th, 2002
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11:21 pm
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I thought living in a cave was a good idea, but turns out they don't have cable.
Been kinda living the hermit life recently. Haven't even answered the phone unless I had to. Screening calls. I feel slightly guilty for not calling Bobbie back, because she left three messages.
Of course, the person I'd wanted to call me didn't. So I don't even know why I bothered screening.
Know what works really well to drown your sorrows in? Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby. You should try it.
So. Soon as I finish this container of ice cream, it's the start of a new era. The "I'm Over You. And That My Friend, Is What They Call Closure" era.
Might just call it Moving On for short.
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| Saturday, September 14th, 2002
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7:08 pm
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Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I knew I shouldn't have gone over there.
Listen to Bobbie next time, girl. She'll save you a world of heartache.
current mood:  distressed
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| Friday, September 13th, 2002
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1:49 pm
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| Sunday, August 25th, 2002
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8:39 pm
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All right, yeah, it's been awhile since I updated.
My life has just gotten so boring. With *NSYNC on hiatus and Lance pretty much slowing down his pace, I have no job. I help him out with some stuff from time to time, but otherwise I'm on my own.
I haven't really talked to Lance much, not since the wedding. Hell, I don't think I've even seen him since then. Just talked to him on the phone. Maybe I'm doing it deliberately on my part, not seeing him.
It's just hard. Now. Knowing it's final.
I really should call him. And not about some script either.
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| Friday, May 17th, 2002
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10:50 pm
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I'm in Russia!
That came as a total surprise. With like, 48 hours warning, Lance changed his game plan and decided he wanted to bring me with him. Told me he wanted me to keep an eye on all his other ventures - Happy Place, FreeLance, random *NSYNC stuff that might pop up - while he was training, just in case something went wrong while he's here. Feels very nice to know he trusts me with that part of his life while he can't focus on it completely.
Plus I think he brought me to help keep JC company during the days. I think JC seems kind of lonely. I don't think he realized just how much time he'd be spending apart from Lance. So while Lance is getting thrown into centrifugal chairs, JC and I have kind of been sightseeing. There's not too much to see here in Star City - it's kind of like a military base. But Moscow is nearby, and one of these days we're gonna go into the city. I want to see the Kremlin.
So that's about it from here. Lance is doing very well on all the physical tests - he's a 23 year old man in the prime of life, did we expect otherwise? I think the only problem might be the financial backing. He hasn't gotten any of the sponsors to sign on the dotted line yet, even though they're interested. Here's hoping they do - Lance would be crushed if this didn't work out.
And um, Lance? I know you're busy - but I think JC misses you. Want me to, I don't know, send flowers for you? Arrange something? I mean, that's my job, so . . .
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| Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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7:49 pm
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| Sunday, May 5th, 2002
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11:25 pm
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Well, Lance just informed me about these things. And it seemed like a good idea.
So, hi. I'm Beth. For those who might not know, I'm Lance's assistant. But I don't get him his coffee. He can get that himself. :)
It looks very. . interesting . . around here.
Lance, are you sure this was a good idea? I don't think I'm all that interesting.
I mean, look at Chris and Joey having sex. Wow.
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beth_flanagan's journal
uncomfortable